The Absence of Fear
by keebzie
Summary: Set 6 months ahead of current GA time period. Centers around the meeting of Alex and Izzie in Joe's Bar, where finally, pent up emotions and frustrations come to a dramatic boiling point.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Absence of Fear (Based off the Jewel song lyrics)  
**Rating:** R (sexual content and mature language)

**Paring:** Alex and Izzie  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own them or something... Tell me if you like it. It's my first attempt at fic writing. My apologies if it blows. ; )

_**Chapter 1**_

_Inside my skin there is this space  
It twists and turns  
It bleeds and aches_

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The sun was just setting as Isobel Stevens pulled open the familiar doors to the top Seattle Grace hot spot; simple, cozy, welcoming... Joe's Bar. Ever since she moved out to Seattle to be closer to work, the establishment quickly became one of her favorite places in the world. There was something about the feeling you received from simply walking through those doors. The soft hum of laughter echoing from the mouths of relaxed friends and coworkers. A feel-good song ringing sweetly in the background, always loud enough for you to recognize the tune and place a warm smile across your face, but never preventing friendly conversation. Yes. For Izzie, it truly was a home away from home.

After making it through the entrance of the bar, Izzie allowed herself to take in the familiar sights and sounds. Taking a deep breath, she inhales the comforting scent of rain and mixed nuts that lingers in the air. Izzie shakes her brown peacoat off and hangs it up next to the door, proceeding to glance around the room for a familiar face. Work had been hell today and all she wanted to focus on was relaxing with friends and a few drinks. She notices Joe wearing his lovable grin and waving Izzie over to the bar. Izzie's face lights up and she allows the contagious effect Joe has on all his customers to consume her. That must be the secret behind why its always so busy in here.

She lets her body finally relax; reassuring herself that nice conversation with Joe and a glass of Chardonnay until George, Meredith or Cristina finally got off work was the perfect way to start her evening. Starting toward the bar, Izzie's breathe catches in the back of her throat and she comes to an abrubt hault. Her eyes settle on the unmistakable form of Alex Karev's broad dark shoulders and messy brown hair. Even from behind and without acknowledging it himself, he had a way of making her heart stop cold, forcing her to loose herself in thoughts of him for a few split seconds. She'd actually became skilled at ignoring the impulses allowing them to slip into fleeting memories. Especially with the recent Addison development. She convinced herself that this was yet another reason why she'd never allow the slightest hint of jealousy shed light upon her face. Izzie was conditioned well in the art of denial when it came to him, because her feelings were never what they used to be. Not since Denny, or I guess, since Olivia. She had in some way given up on caring too deeply for a man, especially a man like Alex. A man who could hurt her, like he did.

So she calmly took the small waves of jealousy and desirability as they came, always carefully tucking them deeper and deeper into the recesses of her heart. Promising herself that she would never let them surface again like they had in the past. She was through making herself emotionally vulnerable to men like Alex, no matter how hot he looked while she pretended to carry on a conversation with George in the locker room, stealing every moment she could, attempting to indifferently check out his exquisitely sculpted physique while unchanging. Or how many times they'd exchange superficially polite smiles that silently screamed of anything but platonic in nature, causing every remarkable exchange of touch and emotion to replay in the back of her head… No matter how many times. She was tired of being let down, in one way or another, by the men in her life.

For the past six months, she'd adapted to the defense mechanism devised for herself. The method had been working… until last week, when word of Addison and Alex's relationship ending quickly echoed through the halls of Seattle Grace. Ever since then, the tension between both of them, which she had worked so hard to suppress, rapidly began to increase in size and intensity, developing into some kind of thick layer of anxiety that neither one would dare admit into existence. The angst that filled the air every time they were within ten feet of each other forced them to begin picking the stupidest fights imaginable, just so they could fill the silence with something, anything. It was only a matter of time before he reached his breaking point. Obviously it wouldn't be her due to her ingeniously crafty method of denial... or so she told herself.

Well, she could try and book it for the door before Alex had the chance to turn around and catch her starring at him in a weird confusion of inelegance and hesitation. She began seriously considering it… I mean she knew one of them was going to have to say something to the other at one point, but tonight was suppose to be about relaxation. Not fighting over who was justified in their means of breaking rules in life and other endlessly inconclusive shit. She was about to pull a straight up U-Turn and glide out the way she came in when she heard Joe amusingly call her name,

"Hey! Izzie!" Joe threw one arm up and continued wiping the bar counter with the other. "You goin' come grab a drink anytime soon or do you plan on standing in the middle of the bar the rest of the night?"

Izzie's face dropped… but she quickly replaced her frown with the biggest smile she could muster as she watched Alex's head turn in her direction out. She let out a light, stifled laugh and attempted walking as casually as she could toward where Alex sat, feeling the intensity of his stare the entire way. Swallowing hard she pressed play on her self-denial remote and let her eyes meet his. Her smile widened into a full-blown Izzie grin.

"Hi Alex," she managed. This should be fun.


	2. Chapter 2

_Inside my heart,  
There's an empty room.  
It's waiting for lightning,  
It's waiting... for you._

Alex Karev sat hunched on his stool at Joe's Bar, twirling the remainder of his second Heineken around in slow circles. He began claiming the stool as his own after the third day of his internship was over and he had once again found himself magnetically drawn to the bar. Was it the hot women? Or the comforting environment? Maybe it was the dart board, or the kind teddy bear of a man behind the counter.  
In reality, it was everything. He loved it here. Nothing beat a nice cold beer and conversation with the friendliest, most humble person on earth. Even his name reflected the compassionate simplicity of his personality. And while he appeared to be your average joe… literally… Joe was far from average. Though he'd never admit it, he had always been the one cheering on the interns at their finest hours. He peed his pants when he finally saw Meredith and Derek kiss in front of him a couple months ago, giving them both high fives after the make out session and then realizing it was an awkward thing to do and returned to work. He was ecstatic when George beamed about his open heart surgery in an elevator. Joe gave him enough free beers that night that George, the poor light weight, was under the bar before the clock hit midnight.  
But even more importantly, he was the one cheering them up, taking their keys, giving them advice and calling them cabs when they had decided to shut everything but Joe and a bottle of liquor out. And while he would always reply with having the same high regards for all five, Joe had developed somewhat of a soft spot for his most loyal, (disregarding his triple digit tab) customer. Especially during the last week, when Alex's visits to the bar became more frequent, which he didn't think was possible. Being a bartender, he had developed an impressive knack for reading people. Alex didn't even need to open his mouth for Joe to decipher the pain that was written all over his face. He hadn't seen Karev this bummed out since Joe caught news of a new heart patient guy at Seattle Grace, which also meant he knew exactly what, or better yet, who was mentally tearing at Alex's heart a little more each night. He wouldn't push the conversation though. That was another thing he had learned. Most people are the same and after a couple drinks, whatever you were curious about knowing earlier usually spills out, and then some. Joe handed a couple sitting at the other side of the bar their drinks and started walking toward where Alex sat.

Before he spoke, he recognized the heavy thoughts that began to gather in Alex's warm eyes. Whatever was going on with Iz this time, it was serious.

"I'm beginning to think you don't have a home Karev." Joe smiled, popping open another beer and sliding it in Alex's direction.

Alex jumped as a voice abruptly pulled him away from the chaotic, impulsive thoughts that seemed to make up the entirety of his brain these days. Thoughts he hated. Thoughts of her. Bringing the mouth of the bottle to his lips, he answered Joe before taking another long swig.

"You kidding?" Alex whipped his mouth with the sleeve of his brown shirt. "This is as good of home as anyone could ask for. And I mean that, Joe." Alex made sure he looked up at his best friend while speaking. "Take it from a guy who basically grew up in one, and who basically lives in this one. Not all bars are the same. And this one… is special." Joe laughed at Alex's heartfelt compliment. Karev, two beers in, giving thoughtful compliments? Man did that girl have a bizzarely strong hold on him, even without knowing it. Joe began wiping the counter with a rag.

"Well I give you free drinks every night Karev," he smiled. "I'd hope you think highly of this place…" Joe's eyes quickly picked up the tall, curvy figure of a blonde standing a ways behind Alex. Even with the sea of people filing by in front of her, Joe could never miss the warm glow that radiated from her presence every time she walked through his doors. He figured he might as well give the two a chance to talk about whatever had been going on between them the last couple weeks. For their own good and frankly, on his own behalf as well. He couldn't take the sexual tension between the pair much longer.

"Hey! Izzie! So… you gunna come grab a drink anytime soon or are just gunna stand their in the middle of the bar the rest of the night?"

The terrified look that rushed across Alex's features made Joe regret his decision a little bit. But it passed. He was bored. And Alex and Izzie both had a reputation for making things happen in his bar. He liked to think he had something to do with it, but the best of him knew the two were simply head over heels in love with each other. Always had been, and from his experience with observing the way millions of couples looked at each other across a crowed room… they always would be. Whether they cared to surrender to it or not, was another story.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3**_

_Muscle and sinew  
Velvet and stone  
This vessel is haunted  
It creaks and moans  
My bones call to you  
In a separate skin  
I'll make myself translucent  
To let you in_

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Alex thought he had made up his mind on how to react to Izzie. On how to hide his emotions for her like he did with everyone else in his life; denial. His best friend. Afterall, how could he be hurt by the rejection of the woman he loved if he'd never admit to himself that he truly needed her. That the mere thought of loosing her, for good made him realize how capable he was of feeling heartbreak and rejection.

He knew it was a mistake, that she wasn't over Denny and in the wrong place entirely. He knew she'd pull away and yet, the second she did it was still like someone had punctured his lungs, letting the air quickly escape and leaving him devastingly breathless, stripped of his pride and naked in front of her. She had broke him. Again. But like hell would Alex Karev let her know that, even in the slightest. And while whenever she wasn't around, his plan of self-trickery went astonishingly well (he had even managed to dull the pain with placing his romantic thoughts elsewhere, on a woman he convinced himself was a more mature version of the woman he couldn't get out of his head) whenever she came around, it all went to shit. And it annoyed him like all hell. So he would take it out on her. Not on purpose, he told himself. But then again, there were parts of him that wanted her to hurt, to feel how broken she had made him feel. No one broke Alex Karev. Tonight was no exception.

His eyes naturally softened at her greeting. There she was, in true Izzie fashion. Making the best out of the undeniably tense moments that always coincided with them being in a 1 mile radius of each other. The sight of her though, was all it took to make a genuine smile quickly dance across his lips. Damnit. She was doing it again.

Alex gained control of his facial expressions once more, slowly turning his smile into that of a casual smirk. His eyes rested on hers.  
"Iz." Alex brought his bottle up for another long drink as she surprisingly slipped into the empty stool beside him. George and Meredith must not be here yet he thought.

"What will it be tonight Stevens?" Joe noticed Alex was getting low on his second and reached under the bar for another beer.

"Oh let's see," Izzie glanced over at Alex quickly and for no apparent reason, making Alex's eyebrows furl in slight confusion. "I think it's a beer night for me Jo. I'll just take a Heineken."

"Comin' right up." Joe grabbed another beer from under the bar and popped both of the caps off, sliding the bottles towards Alex and Izzie.

"Thanks Jo," Izzie smiled as she reached out bringing the cool glass to her lips and taking a long swig. She wasn't a big beer drinker, but the soft foamy liquid felt more than comforting tonight for some reason. She could feel the reason's eyes quietly starring at her out of her peripheral.

"What are you looking at Karev?" She brought the bottle back down to the counter, turning her body slightly to face him.

"Copy cat," Alex coughed lightly.

"Am not," Izzie pretended to be offended. "And what are you, 12?" Izzie tried to make it appear that she wasn't amused. She could never read him these days and so she quickly discovered that playing defensively was the safest option.

"Are too." Alex pretended to look interested in something else happening in the bar, hoping it wouldn't be obvious that he was excited they'd yet again get to play their little game with one another. Even if all they did was take jabs at one another, talking with Izzie was still being with her.

"So… how was work?" He decided he would start off nonchalant, wait til' she was a little buzzed so his quick whips would get more of a rise from her.

She habitually ran her fingers through her hair, letting it fall back down, framing her face.

"Hell," she took another drink. "Pretty sure bailey is assigning me to all the bitchy patients because she thinks I have some type of permanent sunshine effect on people. It's really just making me more depressed."

Alex let out a forced sound of amusement, "That sucks." He decided his plan of attack would be cocky asshole tonight. She loved cocky asshole. It always seemed to work the best on Iz compared to all the women he had used it on in the past. "Pretty sure that isn't why you're depressed though."

"Oh really?" She focused her attention on him, vaguely interested. "Care to enlighten me?" Her eyes wondered to his lips as she waited for his response. Damnit Izzie… she quickly brought them up to meet his eyes.

"Well, I wasn't working tonight. So… there you go." He said it matter-a-factly and grinned as her face scrunched in disgust and she gave him an eye roll that screamed 'oh please.'

"Give me a break." She should have seen that coming. He had definitely turned up the arrogance for tonight. "Well thanks for the insight. I'm sure that would be a contributing factor, if I were in fact depressed." She dodged the boastful comment gracefully, knowing exactly the game he wanted to play.

"You just said you were depressed," Alex finished his third beer, placing the empty bottle on the counter and letting his left leg start to dance a little on his stool. Was he feeling a buzz after 3 beers? Jesus. He blamed a little of his excitement on his company, just to convince himself that he hadn't become somewhat of a light weight over the last couple months. Damn on-call shifts were eating away at as precious alcohol tolerance.

"I said the patients made me depressed. I'm not actually depressed." Noticing she needed to catch up a little, Izzie downed the rest of her beer. "There was this hot new attending assigned to one of my patients today, so he helped elevate my mood quite a bit really." Her eyebrows went up suggestively. She wasn't going to let Alex think he was the only one who knew which buttons to press when it came to their twisted mind-games with each other. She didn't know why she thought her mentioning another guy would get under his skin a little. I guess she figured it was all she had to play tonight. She had run out of cards over the last couple weeks. Without realizing it, she had locked into Alex's gaze, anticipating his response.

Alex just stared at her awhile. It stung. He had no idea why shit like this still stung but it did, pissing him off even more. She had way too much fucking control. Who the hell did she think she was? Making him feel jealous over her even mentioning another guy after the whole Denny fiasco. He laughed it off making sure none of his inner thoughts registered across his face. At least he still had her beat in the emotional department. Izzie would never be as good as him at hiding the way she felt. Even at this moment, he could tell just by looking at her that she was anxiously waiting for his response.

Alex glanced over at Joe and gave him the "nother round" head nod, then focused his attention back on Izzie. The rest of their environment had begun to slowly fade out as their conversation progressed. This was to be expected. Once they started, neither would stop until they thought they had gotten the last word. Back when they were having sex, it served as phenomenal foreplay. Now it just served to frustrate the hell out of both of them since sex was no longer an outlet. Sure there were others they could turn to, but it wasn't the same, as Alex had depressingly discovered first hand. Sex with Izzie was always different. A weird type of drug. Something about how incredibly stubborn Izzie was when it came to confronting him, calling him on his shit, challenging him in ways no other woman had done before. It was the biggest turn on and thus, never helped matters much. How the hell was he suppose to come up with witty comebacks to her defiance if all he wanted to do was grab her face and kiss her deeply, all the while ripping at her clothes like they had done so many times in the past? It wasn't fair. But Alex was never a complainer, or one to back down from a fight. Especially when it was with her.

"A new cute attending eh?" He nodded a thanks to Joe before sliding the first beer across the bar to Izzie. "Well hey if the male attendings are even half as good as some of the female attendings, then you definitely have yourself a good time there Iz." He let the words sink in, noticing that his words had definitely hit a nerve. He acknowledged that she knew exactly who he was referring to and he also knew it hurt her that he had decided to try things out with Addison. Why it had, he never allowed himself to figure out, fearing that it would just lead his hopes to get ahead of his reality once more and come crashing down around him. He just knew it was a button he could push. And he did, only when she had thrown an equally harsh pitch his way. The pain that lingered in her eyes tonight though worried him that he might have used the Addison card prematurely. She usually would have replied with a 'well unlike some people I can keep my pants on while getting to know someone' comment by now.

Izzie didn't know what the hell her problem was tonight. Definitely didn't bring her A-game and the A-card had definitely hit her harder than usual. What was it about tonight? God, she was just so tired of the way they got such sick enjoyment out of who could hurt the other worse. She realized her emotions had again gotten the best of her and were probably replaying in her eyes as she silently took in Alex's comment. What a cocky bastard. She silently looked down at her lap as she scolded herself for letting him get a punch in. Stupid Alex. How could someone be so offensive and yet so charming all at the same time? Figures the place in her heart reserved for him would find a twisted way to make his low jab charming. Like he wanted her to feel jealous so he could assure her she meant more to him than Addison ever would. Figures.

Her silence was alarming and he unconsciously slipped out of asshole mode to rest his hand on her shoulder. "Izzie… Come on you know I was just playing around." He let a playful yet concerned gaze rest on her soft features. Here it comes… damnit. He knew he shouldn't have let his guard down quite yet.  
The stupid random moments… random moments when her beauty solely consumed him, his whole being. He actually couldn't believe someone could be so beautiful, just sitting there silently, totally unaware of the fact that she could be sitting with any other guy here, making them the happiest guy in the world, just to be seen with her. It wasn't even her physical beauty, which of course was undeniable. But the fact that he knew her, who she was underneath… the fact that the real magic to Izzie Stevens lied there and that he had been privileged to experience it, to admire it every time he looked at her. That was the beauty that truly took his breathe away.  
He felt the impulses again, always accompanied by the random moments… to just suck it up and tell her, throw caution to wind, one last time and get his heart smashed to smithereens. Because, looking at her he knew, as much as it killed him, that it would all be worth it. Which only meant one thing… and he wasn't ready to submit to that intense of an emotion yet. Not when she had given him nothing in return for so long.

"Iz?" He leaned in closer reaching out his other arm and placing his hand beneath her chin. He softly titled her head up to meet his gaze. The absurd amount of emotions that his eyes were met with made him retract back slightly. Frustration and hurt were the obvious ones. But he could have sworn for a second, he glimpsed a passionate sense of need, of wanting behind her hazel eyes. If he had, it was quickly replaced with a flood of anger. He felt her jaw begin to clench above his finger and he quickly drew he hand back to rest on his leg. This wasn't going to be pretty. Why the hell was she so angry?

Izzie stared back at Alex's concerning eyes. God did she miss that look he gave her. Like she was the only thing on earth that mattered, like he would do anything to make her feel better, to protect her from everything. She could feel herself getting comfortably lost in his gaze. Back when they were first dating, she convinced herself that he saved that look only for her and no one else, which made it mean so much more when he took her in with his warm golden eyes, drawling her close and wrapping his loving arms around her. All the clichés of being in your lover's arms and never wanting to let go… she never appreciated until Alex. She missed him, so much more than she would ever let herself admit. And she was scared that for some reason, tonight she wouldn't be able to hold back much longer. She could already feel the emotions begin to leak out from their hiding places.

No. She had worked too hard damnit. She let the reality of how he had won their bantering game tonight sink in. She tore herself away from her happier submissive state. Fuck this. She was done arguing with him. If he was going to continue to use Addison as his back up, she couldn't compete. Her backup was dead. It was pointless. All of this. What were they trying to prove anyways?

Not knowing how to surrender to him, she let out a bitter laugh of frustration, letting the anger in her stare attach daggers to her words.

"You win."

Alex didn't know how to respond. He went with the obvious. Figured it was the best in these situations.

"What?"

"You win Alex… alright?" Izzie surprised even herself with the darkness in her voice. What kind of person had he turned her into?  
"You happy? I'm tired of this shit, so you can brag all you want about how you screwed Addison to get back at me for hurting you. But I'm not going to waste my time fighting with you anymore Alex because… I'm just tired." Izzie didn't realize how close her face had moved towards his until she had spoken her last words. She could tell he was obviously brewing up some type of defense for her last comment and she knew she had to leave soon or else something would happen. They were both so unbelievably stubborn. It made her sick really. She moved in a little closer, close enough to feel the hot fumes that now radiated from his skin. He was pissed. But he wouldn't get the last word if she had anything to do with it.

She lowered her voice to a whisper that could only be heard in the close proximity she had created between them. "So go fuck your female attending all you want, Alex. See if I care. I think it's about time I stopped watching you screw insecure older women because you can and started dating men without a history of STDs, who don't get sick enjoyment out of cheating on their girlfriends and forcing them to confide in a man who would never hurt her...like you did." She realized her sentence had slowly stopped making much sense, but he would get the jest and she let the words cleave open scares across his chest. Why the hell was she trying so desperately to hurt him?

Her words had stunned him into momentary silence. One that she knew wouldn't last much longer. The last line she didn't want to say and it was evident with the tears that filled her eyes. She got up off her stool and took one step towards him. Leaning close into Alex's ear she whispers, "My biggest mistake?" She almost couldn't get it out. She choked on the tears in the back of her throat. "Letting myself love you." The last words were barely audible. She didn't care. She was done.

With that, Izzie hastily made her way to the exit, grabbing angrily at her coat and breaking into a run once she hit the door. She couldn't breathe. She needed air. As soon as she made it out she inhaled violently as the waves of emotion and weeping threatened her every breath. The rain seemed to mirror her frustration as it hit her skin relentlessly, drenching her from head to toe in regret and anguish. She made her way hastily towards the hospital to find Meredith or George. She really needed to buy a fucking car. This was ridiculous.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_I am wanting, and...  
I am needing you  
To be here  
Inside the absence of fear_

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It took Alex what felt like hours before he could break the rigid hold Izzie's words had had on his body. He blinked twice, hoping that it would slow everything that had just happened down to a pace he could comprehend. Her last words where all he could think about at first. For so long he had unconsciously craved for the words "I love you" to fall form her lips and be directed toward him. But not like this. Never did he dream like this. He almost allowed himself to get lost in questions of what her last few words implied but then the realization of what she had said before hit him in a mad fit of anger. She actually thought he would sleep with someone else to get _back_ at her? For some reason, Izzie's assumption that his feelings for Addison and his relationship with her, had only been about her and not his own happiness made him burn with rage. Even if Addison had just proven to be a failed attempt at getting over Izzie… he had given everything he had into trying to make that relationship work. But every fucking time she always found a way to inhabit his thoughts and emotions, permanently. And her knowing this the entire time is what really ticked him off. When the fuck would this stop being about her?

His face tensed into one of alarming resentment as he slammed his bottle down on the counter. Shit, he had to find her. He had no fucking clue what he was going to say or do. He had lost all control of himself, which both excited and annoyed the hell out of him. It reminded him of her again. Of how they were never able to hold anything back, up until they fell apart. And since then, he had been doing nothing but holding back. But he couldn't do it anymore. He had to put her in her fucking place. Where that was, he still didn't know.

Alex hastily threw what he had left for cash in his pocket on the counter for Joe and made his way to the door, determined to end whatever had been going on between them once and for all.

The brisk air threatened to send chills up his spine. But it was the scene in front of him that ultimately sent the coldest gust of wind through his entire body. He saw her there. Soaked and angrily trudging her way to the street that separated the bar from the hospital. He broke out in a mad run toward where she now stood, waiting for the traffic to clear so she could cross.

"Izzie!" He was now a couple feet away from her, but the anger in his voice could have been heard for miles. "Damnit, Izzie! You're fucking unbelievable you know that?!" He had given up trying to control the volume of his voice. The traffic speeding behind them acted as some sort of lame excuse. He knew they would be yelling regardless.

Izzie's eyes were bloodshot as she turned to face him, arms crossed tightly across her chest. She couldn't believe he had the nerve to follow her after what she said. Nevermind… who the hell was she kidding? It was Alex.

"Me?! Are you…" The anger she had just spent all her energy trying to suppress began to well up within her. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" Her arms flew up in repulsion as she took a giant step closer to him, in order to take him in. She knew this was it.

His eyes met hers in a mad rush of intensity and distress. "No! Izzie…" His mind was racing. "God… damnit! You have no right! Where the fuck do you come off… you had no right!" He was now close enough to touch her, so he did. He roughly grabbed her by the arm and began leading her back to the parking lot. He couldn't think clearly as it was. He didn't need hundreds of God damn speeding cars to make it any worse.

Izzie was thrown off by the contact and once they were far enough away from the street, she placed both hands on his chest and pushed him with as much strength as she could muster, which happened to only make him retreat a couple steps.

"No right to what Alex?" Her voice had become unsteady when she wanted so badly to make him believe she was stronger than this; than him and every fucking memory he sent flooding through her mind with just his touch.

He was still so angry, he hadn't noticed how shaky her voice had gotten. "You…" Shit, now his voice was starting to give out as well. He cleared his throat and looked her confidently in the eye. "Addison. Do you think my fucking world revolves around you Izzie? You honestly think I would sleep with her in order to, what was it, get back at you for _hurting _me?" He let a bitter laugh escape his mouth as he realized she was taken aback slightly by his words. "Did it ever occur to you that, maybe… I was moving on?" He had begun to pace in one steps, from left to right. "That I was sick and fucking tired of being hung up on somebody who made it blatantly clear she didn't want me?" He stopped and waited for he reaction.

The first batch of words surprised her, but the second round just made her feel entirely selfish and disgusted with herself. He was right. He was so right if hurt, in ways she'd never been hurt before. Who was she to prevent him from moving on? She had after all rejected him. Why did she continue to cling so desperately to him as if, as if she had never moved on? As if Denny and Olivia had never happened? Could it be… that she still, underneath all the baggage and history, had found a way to continue loving him? This realization hit her even harder than the first one and she tore her gaze away from his, taking a step back. She hadn't realized how hard she had been breathing before. She tried to calm down, but her heart wouldn't stop racing. The emotions were too much and she felt the tears flood her eyes. What was worse than realizing she had been utterly self-centered and wrong was the reality of his words. He wanted to move on.

"I'm sorry, Alex." She still didn't meet his gaze. She couldn't bring herself to.

Alex just stood there in amazement. Like hell he'd let her surrender just like that. He still had so much left he wanted to say to her. To do… to her. "What?" He raised his voice and took three steps closer in hopes of provoking her from the daze of self-misery he had successfully placed her in.

She looked up in frustration. "I said, I'm fucking sorry okay?!" She screamed at him, making him back up a couple small steps. What was his problem? She had finally given him what he wanted. "What do you want from me Alex? What do you want!" She began moving into him until they were almost chest to chest. "You can move on now, alright?!" The tears began to fall down her cheeks and were lost in the rain that continued to pour down on them.

"I'm sorry for holding on so long…" Her gaze, still intertwined with his, began to soften. "I'm sorry for selfishly making you wait…" Her tears threatened to turn into sobs but she was able to keep steady eye contact with him. "I'm sorry for breaking you and Addison apart and… and for fighting with you…" the sobs took a hold of her and she began to shake violently. "I'm so sorry Alex…" She wanted to let him go, so he could be happy, but for some reason all she wanted at this moment was his forgiveness.

Even with the resentful emotions that continued to pulse through his veins, the sight of a woman crying… and in this circumstance, having that woman be the woman he loved, made him want to do nothing but protect her from whoever was making her hurt. And in the realization that he was that person, a new wave of raw awareness swept through his body. He wanted to touch her, to console her, to kiss her. But the magnitude of the emotions made him scared he might hurt her and he needed to let her know. She had to know what he had been so scared to admit to himself this entire time. But looking at her, weeping silently in the rain, he knew she was everything he wasn't scared of anymore. The commitment, the responsibility, the devotion; all the things that had seemed so absurd to him the past began to fit together in perfect sense before his very eyes. Izzie was the absence of this fear. And she had to know that no matter how hard he tried, there could never be anyone else.

"Stop apologizing." His voice was low and grave and something hidden deep within it caused Izzie to stop crying abruptly. She stared intently back at him. She couldn't believe her eyes as she began to see the slightest hint of tears well up behind his chocolate eyes. His voice was still deep with sincerity. "You didn't break us up, Iz." He looked away briefly to regain even an ounce of the innate confidence that had only this once decided to spring from his being. "I tried… but I couldn't." He noticed that she had taken a step away from the wall and their faces were now inches apart.

"Izzie…" his voice was now a deep whisper that sent the most remarkable sensations through her body. Was this really happening? She waited for him to finish…

"Damnit Iz… you know I can't move on from you. I've tried so hard but I just," he softly shook his head as she tenderly laid one hand upon his chest. He brought his gaze back to hers and finally allowed the desire and adoration he found in them to reflect upon him and consume him. He brought one hand up to the side of her face and watched the droplets of rain fall silently onto her light skin. Looking deeper into her eyes than he imagined was possible, he let the words flow fearlessly from his lips.

"I love you."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_There is the splendor of this  
Secret inside of me  
And it knows that you're no stranger,  
You're my gravity_

Izzie let the words break open the recesses of her heart that had been reserved for him all this time. Alex flooded through her entire being. He loved her. He still loved her. After all she'd put him through, he had found a way to hold on. She wanted to marvel in the miracle of it all but she couldn't. Right now, with him looking at her, like he saw everything she was made out of; her past, present and future. How the hell did he do that? She didn't care. All she knew was she needed him. God, did she need him now more than anything she had never needed in her life. Without hesitation, she brought her hands up, framing his face, she let her lips gently meet his. She wanted to embrace him in his entirety but she also didn't want to rush this. It had been so long and his lips were so much softer than she remembered. She let the sensation wash over her, and for a second, she swore her heart stopped beating.

Alex let his eyes flutter closed as he felt the familiar taste of her on his lips. Izzie. He never thought he'd get the chance to taste her again. He brought his other hand up to rest on the side of her face and let the sweeter emotions, all of the tenderness that both had been unable to convey through all the rage, spill into what felt like blissful hours. Who knew they weren't lying about time standing still? The memories replayed in one magnificent flash of disbelief. Part of him was convinced he was dreaming… he didn't want to pull away. But he needed to make sure he wasn't, and… he needed air.

Her eyes remained closed for awhile, until she could balance herself by clutching to his waist. She could still feel the warmth of his hands on her face and it reassured her that she could open her eyes and he'd still be there. And he was. This was all so surreal. How could they go from yelling at the top of their lungs to this in a matter of seconds? That was always how they were though. And she realized it was why she loved being with him in the first place.

"Alex…" She wanted to tell him how much she still loved him, but as she opened her mouth to get the words out, she felt his lips on hers once more and that's all it took for her to surrender to him completely. If he needed her just as badly, there was no way she was postponing it any longer.

Izzie deepened the kiss, quickly finding the back of his neck with her hand and pulling him closer to her. He responded by opening his mouth to explore hers more appropriately. He recognized in her kiss that she needed this as much as he did and he passionately allowed his chest to force her backwards until she hit the wall, with one of his hands finding the back of her head to make sure she didn't hurt herself, not that she would have noticed, and the other quickly finding the wall for support. As his tongue danced with hers, exploring forgotten territory hungrily, he savored in the familiar way their bodies began to melt together. Her hands aggressively rediscovering his back and the tensing of his shoulder muscles. She broke the kiss and let out a soft but needy moan as she felt the warm sensation of his breathe and kisses on her neck.

"Alex…" She forgot he knew every right place to touch… to kiss… She grabbed gently at his hair and attempted to pull him away to look into his eyes once more, but the kisses… his hungry lips sucking so tenderly… so skillfully, were too much. She arched against him and titled her head back to allow him more access. Her eyes slipped closed and she clutched at the sides of his shirt drenched in rain, letting one hand instinctively slip underneath and behind roaming his bare skin.

He heard her moan his name and felt a familiar bulge begin to form between his legs. She began to grind against him as he searched franticly for her hands. He found one underneath his shirt and smiled to himself. Once he gained control of the other hand, he pulled away from Izzie's neck and heard her sigh in slight frustration. With his body still pressed against hers, he let their hands intertwine as he firmly pushed against her palms until they were pinned up against the wall. Mischievously smirking at the way her eyes responded to his control over her, he brought his mouth to meet hers once again. He felt her retaliation in the kiss and it only edged him on. He guided their arms down until he realized somewhere he had lost control and he broke the kiss to moan into her mouth with a mixture of pleasure and submission.

Izzie had felt the extent of his excitement gradually torturing her since their bodies had collided. But it wasn't until he pulled that last move, one he surely knew would send her into a fit of anticipation giving him the upper hand, that she resorted in using it to her advantage. She distracted him long enough by changing the tempo of their bodies, slipping her tongue in between his lips at a quickened pace. She felt his arms give out a little and she subtly changed the direction their hands were moving toward the bulge in his jeans, rubbing with just enough force to observe a change in his positioning and breathing. She let a soft but deep laugh escape her mouth as she looked seductively into his pleading eyes.

Alex just shook his head and continued to kiss her, more playfully now than forcefully… but still with the same passion that had built up over those months of his body being deprived of her physical contact. The passion, he knew would never disappear. She really was a drug. Her hands were now playing with the waistband of his boxers. God… he couldn't take it anymore. He was this close to pulling her around the corner and into the shadows to finish what would go down as the best sex he'd ever had. He had no doubts. But he wouldn't. He pulled back, panting deeply and taking in her scent, which still lingered even after the rain had washed their skin clean. It was Izzie. His Izzie. For anyone else, his animalistic desires would not be subject to suppression. But as he continued to search her eyes, his hand once again stroking gently at the side of her face, he knew he still needed her, but somewhere other than here.

Izzie couldn't help but smile at the sincerity she found in his gaze. Had he always looked so, fearless? She could have sworn before he had been holding something back from her… their first date, their time leading up to those unfortunate circumstances. Looking back into his eyes now though, it was as if all that fear had somehow disappeared in their time apart and whatever he had been holding back had finally been unleashed, making her all the more turned on. And for her to even be considering having sex against the outside wall of a public bar, meant she was quite fucking turned on. But with both of them in such vulnerable states of mind, she convinced herself that she could actually read his thoughts with the way his eyes took her in and the way his body continued to shield her from the cold. Her smile widened at the sound of his voice, soft and comforting…

"Hey…" Alex whispered against her lips, his forehead resting against hers.

"Hey…" She let one of her hands automatically begin tracing the outline of his mouth and when his eyes slipped closed from her touch, she allowed herself to place one more lingering kiss on his lips, smiling at how both of their eyes remained closed for some time afterwards.

Alex cleared his throat. He didn't want to break any contact, but this was getting ridiculous. They were both going to get phenomena if they stayed out here any longer. Plus he had already decided the things he wanted to do to her were not fit for public eyes… no matter how much her kiss automatically stimulated that part of him he usually had much more control over. Before, the fear of Izzie being "the one" had even helped him out a little around her… now, he didn't know if he'd ever calm the fuck down.

"Do you wanna… go some place warmer maybe?" Alex snaked his arms around her waist, his face now residing inches from hers.

All Izzie could do was smile. She couldn't remember ever being this happy. And they hadn't even had sex yet.

"I thought you'd never ask."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_My hands will adore you through all darkness aim  
They will lay you out in moonlight  
And reinvent your name_

_For I am wanting you  
And I am needing you here  
I need you near  
Inside the absence of fear_

* * *

The cab came to a screeching halt at the end of the walkway to Meredith's house. Eyes locked with hers, Alex took a 20 from his pocket and told the cap driver to keep the change. Then he exited the car from his side and ran quickly to Izzie's door, opening it and helping her out. The touch of his hand was all it took to stimulate her entire being. 

He pulled her close, their bodies melting into one and their mouths colliding in a fit of passion. Her arms searched his shoulders, back, and neck. She needed to feel anything other than clothing, longed to feel the warmness of his skin against hers with every muscle in her body. As his tongue slide against hers, she felt herself ache between her thighs. His hands were roaming up her sides, to her chest, to her face... The way he held her face: rough yet caring. She broke away for air and realized he had pushed her down the path and up against the door. Pushing him lightly on his chest, she mustered up the concentration to search for her keys in her purse. He stepped back, but only for a few seconds. His lips quickly returned once more to her neck, his hot breathe making it impossible for her to think straight. She let a frustrated moan escape.

"Alex…" Her right hand fumbled desperately for the keys in her purse. "Where the fuck are my keys?!"

She was about to throw the damn purse on the ground and kick the door in, when she felt Alex's hand glide across the top of her jeans. He was smiling at her, with that sexy male model smirk that made her more than just weak at the knees. Jesus. She looked back at him with frustrated eyes. Then she felt his hand inside the front pocket of her jeans and much to his amusement, he pushed closer to her, bringing the keys he had fished out of her pants to the lock and opening the door.

"You knew they were in there the whol-". Alex laughed as he brought his lips inches from hers making her murmur her words breathlessly.

"Does it matter?" The realization that they were finally inside and her bed was only seconds away hit her hard, as did he. She shook her head and brought her lips to his, her hand tangled in his hair.

Her other arm fumbled hastily for the bottom of his shirt as he pushed her forcefully toward the staircase. With one quick motion, Alex's muscular arms encircled her waist, leveraging her upward and causing her legs to wrap around his hips, provoking a surprised sound from Izzie's mouth.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she began to laugh whole-heartedly but stopped when she realized they were already at the top of the stairs. Her feet found the ground fast as her eyes locked with his. The love she found there took her breath away and for a second she thought she might faint and fall down the stairs. The feel of his hand against her cheek kept her grounded and she began walking backwards to her room, eyes entwined with his.

Once they were inside, she let the hand resting on his chest clutch the material of his shirt, pulling him close. His scent sent chills down her spine and he smiled at her with the utmost sincerity and love. Miraculously, the sly smirk that best characterized Alex had disappeared entirely and she felt something within her break open. Her eyes hinted of tears, so she closed them in an attempt to control herself, but she knew this was an impossible feat around him. Instead she released everything happening within her into her kiss and their lips began dancing once more. This time he was tender and caring, his hands softly caressing her hair and slowing her heartbeat to a manageable level. The desire and the passion they had always relied on in the past was still there, but now it was met with the intensity of their new discovery. No more doubt. No more bullshit. They were allowed to love each other with all they had now. All those months apart, all of the baggage and history and the moments where their future together seemed forever lost, had somehow made their love that much stronger.

He pulled away at the sound of soft tears.

"Iz?" Concerned, Alex searched her face and waited for Izzie to open her eyes. What was wrong?

She wanted him, needed him so badly and after all this, after they had finally made it here, she was crying? Izzie cursed herself for her inability to wear her heart on anything but her sleeve.

"Iz… if- If this is about… him-" He loved her enought to say the name. "If it's too soon since Denny I under-"

Her eyes opened at the sound of his name and immediately she regretted letting him think that these were anything but tears of happiness. Her eyes searched his and she shook her head vehemently.

"Alex…" The significance of what she had to say made her voice crack a little, but she promised herself she would get through this, if nothing else because he deserved it.

"This is about how you called me Dr. Model…" She saw the confusion in his eyes, so she continued. "And how I was the first person you trusted enough to open up to in Seattle." He felt her hand resting on his heart, making it flitter with nerves.

"This is about our first date…" She cracks a small smile and he looks away, blushing from embarrassment.

"And how you were nervous to kiss me..." Alex looks at her and quietly attempts to protest. "But would never admit it." Izzie leans against his chest, bringing her face close to his and slipping off her shoes.

"This is about wishing on eyelashes…" She smiles and begins to push him slowly toward the bed. "And kisses on barstools that leave permanent butterflies in my stomach whenever I even glance at you."

He opens his mouth again but she doesn't give him room to speak. Slowly, she brings his shirt up over his head and lets it fall softly to his side. Then she takes his hands in hers and guides them to the top button of her jeans. He begins to unbutton but keeps his eyes on hers. She steadies herself by gliding her hands up and down his arms and shoulders and toying with the curls on the back of his neck as she speaks.

"This is about you understanding when I told you I wasn't ready…" Stepping out of her jeans, Izzie unbuttons the top of his pants and lets them fall, watching him kick them to the side and melting into his embrace. Their hands relish in their discovery of newly exposed skin. Every touch brings flashes of their past together. His hand becomes entangled in her hair as they kiss and then falls to her shoulder, catching the strap of her shirt and revealing her bare skin, which he replaces with a soft kiss. Izzie sighs deeply.

"You waited for me Alex." He brings his eyes back to meet hers, the intensity of their contact almost too much to take. She lifts her arms up, persuading him to slide his hands underneath her shirt and pull it up over her head. Once off, he cups her face and notices she still has one more thing to say. He feels her hands move from his waist up to where his hands rest on her neck.

"This is about how you picked me up from another man's bed and held me…" She allows the cool skin of her palms to touch his warm bare chest, her eyes flutter quickly from the acknowledgement of how greatly she missed the feel of his heartbeat. "You were there when no one else was. You found a way to comfort me Alex…" She looks deep into his eyes and places a soft but meaningful kiss next to his ear.

"When I needed someone the most, when I felt lonelier and more lost than I've ever felt…" His arms automatically began to surround her as if to protect her from any harmful memories, but she continued to whisper in his ear.

"You found me Alex, and brought me back to life." She pulls back and sees his face begin to fight back tears. Bringing her hands up to gently frame his face, she covers his eyelashes with light kisses. Looking deep into him, Izzie smiles, hoping it will hide her tears. "It's always been you."

Alex let Izzie's words feed the hunger for her deep inside him, but her final utterance set him over the edge. He knew he'd break down and start crying if he didn't grab her right now and kiss her. So he did just that.

His mouth opened to take her in fully, once and for all. His arms moved rapidly across her body, grabbing her legs and throwing them around his waist. She rested her upper arms on his shoulders and clutched the back of his head, pulling lightly at his hair but never breaking contact with his mouth. He spins her quickly as she hits the bed, her toes hooking into his boxers and sending them to the floor. She brings her arms under his as he kisses her neck eagerly, unhooking her bra and throwing it to the bedside. She climbs backwards onto the bed as he trails warm kisses down her neckline to her belly button and then to the last article of clothing left between them. He looks up at her seductively, causing Izzie to exhale with laughter and run her hands through his messy brown hair once more. She couldn't get enough.

He willingly frees Izzie of her last garment, running both hands up and down the length of her soft legs and trailing them up with the rest of his body to grasp her breasts. Izzie's head drops back in pleasure and anticipation. She brings her lips back to meet his, giving him hot wet kisses. God she missed him and the way he touched her. He was so amazing at… everything. Her hands meander down his chest to stroke him but his length causes another wave of exhilaration to surge through her body and she hooks her right leg over his hips, rolling him on top of her.

Alex smiles down at her, kissing her hard and roaming his right hand down in between her thighs. He inserts three fingers and is not surprised to discover she is more than ready. He knew he'd been ready since he first laid eyes on her earlier this evening. Foreplay with Izzie was different than with any other woman, especially after tonight, but it had been too long for both of them. He couldn't wait any longer and judging by her ravenous kisses and whimpering, she couldn't either. He pulled his fingers out of her and positioned himself to enter her. Before entering, he noticed her breathing slow with anticipation. He brought his left hand up to brush a stray hair from her face. He wanted to take her and this moment in.

It was now that he realized why sex with her had always been different for him. It wasn't just sex. With Izzie, it would never be just sex. For the first time in his life, Alex had found the woman he could only make love with. It was why he never let go in the past and how he knew he'd always continue to hold on in the future.

Planting one more kiss on her trembling lips, Alex whispers the words effortlessly.

"I love you babe."

Izzie looks back at him with equal love and adoration. Intertwining her hands with his, she responds whole-heartedly. "I love you too." She gasps as she feels him enter her for the first time in so long. Small moan turns to deep ones as he glides slowly in and out of her, covering her neck and face with his stimulatingly warm breathe and adoring kisses. He kept returning back to meet her ecstatic gaze.

She grips his upper arms as his speed increases. He kept it slow as long as he could, but it felt too good to be inside her once more. As his pace quickened, her moans turned to screams and his name was breathless on her lips, enticing him to thrust harder and harder. She could feel herself begin to tremble everywhere and tighten around him.

"Alex…" He covered her moan with his mouth, pulling back to see and feel her on the very edge. He quickened his pace even more let his kisses mirror his body's intensity. Feeling her buck uncontrollably underneath him, he let everything within him go with one last thrust, coming deep inside her and meeting her loud moan with a stifled grunt.

Izzie felt like she was shaking for endless minutes and everything around her became blurry and faint. Finally she opened her eyes at the sensation of Alex's heavy breathing on her neck. She attempts to catch her own and nuzzles his face with her nose until their lips meet in satisfied exhaustion. Their breathing is both quick and unsteady.

"My… God." Izzie smiles, kissing him blissfully. Alex laughs and rolls to his side, bringing Izzie with him to rest on his chest, comfortably... naturally.

"That… was well worth the wait." He looks down at her and kisses the top of her head, still waiting to catch his breath. She laughs breathlessly, nestling as close as possible to him. "It certainly was."

The sweat from their heaving bodies seemed to glow by the light of the moon outside the window. And all words seemed understatements to describe the feeling of wholeness shared between the two lovers. So they were both content with falling asleep in each other's arms. The reassurance that they had found each other once more was enough. And this time, something existed between them that acknowledged they were in it for the long haul. Something that suggested maybe they always had been, since the day they first met at that superficial intern mixer… in the cold hospital lobby of Seattle Grace. Something real… an indescribable chemistry and desire that would one day transform into something much more. And no matter what obstacles life threw them, from that point on, the bond wasn't going anywhere. He knew it. She knew it. They would fight whatever the future brought them together now. And if love torn them apart once more, the irreplaceable connection they shared would help them find each other once more. Destiny? You could say that. Some might just call it faith and persistence…

and the absence of fear.


End file.
